" /> BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

  • Raiders of the Lost Fart…

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      10th Jan 12
      M. R. Sellars

    …Or, Up The Down Bung Hole.

     This is a repost from my Facebook Notes of January 10, 2012

    Unless you have been under a rock, or simply ignoring me, you are well aware that I underwent a 50K Exhaust System Check this past Monday (01/09), complete with the Prep the day before. I wasn’t shy about it – I updated, tweeted, and otherwise joked about the process from beginning to end – pun not intended – for a couple of reasons.

    1. To find the humor in it and keep myself from being completely miserable. If you’ve ever undergone the Colon Blow Prep for such a procedure, you are well aware of what I mean by that.
    2. To do my part in raising a little awareness about the importance of checkups and recommended tests. While I know there are folks out there who are not convinced a colonoscopy is really necessary – and that’s all good if that is their choice – I am one of those who comes down on the side of preventive care (see there, Lootachack, I can use “proper aingleesh werdz”.)

    And so…

    Many of you have been asking about the results. What were they? When do I get them? Etc… I have jokingly stated that the results were “NO POOP FOUND.” While this is true, it certainly isn’t the actual data. Honestly, I hadn’t intended to disclose my results. It’s sort of a private thing, right? Well… I guess the whole colon blow experience was, too, but I tweeted about that. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I owe the actual results to the masses…

    However, after thinking about this once I came down off the lovely anesthetic – that took until this morning, BTW – I have come to a conclusion. While I am not going to disclose the details of the findings to you, I am going to make the following statement:

    Having the colonoscopy was probably one of the most important and best things I have done for my health in recent years. Yes… Something was found that wasn’t supposed to be there and it is being addressed.

    It is nothing for anyone to worry over, however, left unchecked it certainly could have turned into something very, very bad. Therefore, I will be having another colonoscopy in three years instead of ten. I’m not looking forward to another “colon blow” day coming quite that soon, but under the circumstances, I will gladly accept it.

    I am not going to make an impassioned plea urging you to go have a colonoscopy. That is your choice. However, I’m here to tell you that I am damned glad I did.

    MRS

    PS. Feel free to share this around…

      Life
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  • Talkin’ Sh*t…

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      6th Jan 12
      M. R. Sellars

    In a little over a month, I will be 50.

    Yay. Half century. Big 5-0. Surfboards, waves, syncopated Polynesian Hippie Music. Book ’em, Dano…

    Actually, I’m sort of excited about it. After all, 50 is technically the new 30. Life should be just really starting to get interesting for me. Not that The Redhead hasn’t made it plenty interesting all along…

    At any rate, one of the reasons 50 is the new 30 is advances in medical science, up to and including early detection of disease so that it can be treated before it REALLY gets to be a problem. Therefore, when you hit 50 the first thing the doctor tells you after pulling his hand out of your a$$ – prostate exam, folks… prostate exam… – is that you need something ELSE jammed into your bung hole, that being a 3d Imax Camera.

    Okay, so maybe not a 3d Imax Camera. More like a  camera on a rope…

    And so, you make your appointment to have a colonoscopy. This is important shit right here, no pun intended. Colon cancer isn’t pretty, and this is the sort of thing that can save your life. However, Dave Barry beat me to the punch on the whole Intestine Spelunking Blog… And Harry Smith had his done live on national TV. I offered to live stream mine on Facebook, but my fans said no. They are more than happy to read one of my books about a serial killer doing truly horrible things to a victim or two, but when it comes to poop they get a little squeamish. Go figure…

    But anyway… Or should that be Butt Anyway? No matter, the real deal is that it’s been done. The benefits of having a colonoscopy have been espoused by much bigger names than me, so I’m not about to be a copycat.

    I am, however, about to throw down a major bitch about this whole thing… You see, in order to properly film the poop canal it must first be free of poop. Makes a certain sort of sense. I mean, that way the Doctor doesn’t have to keep telling Mister Hanky to move out of the way so he can see, right? And so, in order to do this they write you a prescription for Colon Blow… Okay, so that’s just what I call it. In point of fact it is “Suprep: Bowel Prep Kit.”

    Cool, eh? I mean just look at it. A box of awesome. Make you clean as a whistle, it will. But wait… There’s more…

    Here’s the bill.

    Yes… You read it correctly. $71.43… AFTER the insurance kicked in a twenty. Without insurance it would have been $93.09…

    Yeah… For some stuff to make me shit my brains out and feel completely miserable for about 18 hours. Okay… it’s medical progress. It’s the sort of thing that can save my life. Of course, I won’t have any money to live on, so I might as well be dead, but hey, what the hell.

    Here’s the rub… For less than 20 bucks I could pick up a box of Dulcolax and two bottles of Citrate of Magnesium, and it would do EXACTLY the same thing. I know this because I’ve been down this road before, plus I verified it with my buddy Dr. Gina, who is, in point of fact, a real doctor, not just one on TV.

    So here’s my thing… To celebrate my 50K Exhaust System Check I am pretty much flushing about 75 bucks down the toilet.

    But what the hell… You only turn 50 once… Since my ass is getting raped, I guess my wallet should, too…

    More to come…

    Murv

      Blogging, Humor, Life, Rant
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