BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Well, actually, I have been, but that’s a different story.

So, why do I want to be on TV? For the fame? The glory? The hot chicks?

To be honest, none of the above.

Let’s step back for a minute. Not to TV land, but to early last week in Murvland. For reasons that don’t bear exploring at this juncture I had to make a mad dash to the hardware store during a downpour. For yet still other reasons that don’t bear exploring, while in the parking lot of said store I fell. I fell hard. I fell hard three times. Onto concrete. Wet concrete. Hard, wet, concrete.

Okay, you get the idea.

Anyhow, I was bruised. I have a purple hip and a purple stomach where I fell on top of the item I was carrying, (yeah, for a dyed in the wool Browncoat to have a “purple belly” it really sucks). I also have shattered cartilage in one knee, and a lot of achey muscles. I’m not as bad off as I was last week, but I’m still a bit sore here and there.

Now, this incident didn’t stop me from going on with my life. I didn’t end up in the hospital or anything that drastic. However, at 46 and some change one does not just get up, brush off, and go on as if nothing happened. No, that is reserved for the 20 year olds… So, while I was still moving about, it was slow going, with a lot of pain. Yes, I groaned, moaned, and even whined a bit.

What in the name of Pete does this have to do with being on TV, you ask…

No, there weren’t any cameras in the parking lot filming me… Well, actually I don’t know if there were or not. Maybe there were and I just haven’t seen the Youtube video just yet. But, that’s neither here nor there… I fell, I hurt, I moved slow…

Now, on TV it is a different story. I watched the season finales of Bones and House the other night and discovered that the world inside the tube is radically different. People almost completely heal within hours or even minutes. For the truly horrid injuries it might take a couple of days, but that’s just for the REALLY life threatening stuff.

For instance – On Bones one of the main characters took a penetrating round from a revolver. I didn’t get a good enough look at it to say what caliber, but it was at a minimum a .38. Moreover, the wound was in his right chest. He wasn’t wearing body armor or a bullet proof vest either. He bled a lot. He passed out. We didn’t know whether or not he would survive. Something on the order of one week later (maybe even less) he was not only up moving around, but tackling bad guys and waving his arms about. The only evidence of the wound was that he was wearing a bandaid. Other than that, he was just fine and dandy. Now, I won’t even go into the rest of the stupidity that tried to pass for a storyline in that episode, but suffice it to say, unless Patrick Duffy shows up in a shower at the beginning of the first episode next season, they’ve lost me as a viewer.

On House we had yet another semi-miracle. Of course, Hugh and the crew perform those weekly, but this one was really cool (in some ways, literally). A patient who had been severely injured in a bus crash, then purposely put into hypothermia, including filling her lungs with slurry, is warmed up and re-awakened (basically so they can tell her she is dead as soon as they turn off the bypass machine or in a few hours, whichever comes first). She lays on the bed and carries on a clear and coherent conversation with her boyfriend so they can say goodbye. The fun part about this (besides the enormous technical inaccuracies that a layman could spot) was the fact that this two part episode only spanned something like 24 hours in TV time. What I found really amazing about this is how clear, coherent, and without pain she was. You see, when my appendix burst several years ago I spent a week in the hospital. I won’t go into the gory details, but I wasn’t clear and coherent for at least 3 days. I wasn’t without pain for better than a week. After what she endured, and with the limited time frame, I’m thinking maybe a handful of “ouches” and an “I forgot what I was saying, sorry about that,” or two would have been in order.

So, you see… That’s why I want to be on TV. It obviously doesn’t hurt as much when you get injured, and apparently it doesn’t hurt anywhere near as long. I could definitely do with the not hurting.

But, even if I don’t get to be on TV, I suppose I will never write for it either. Why? Because, in my mind if I write something it has to make sense. Sure, even I have elements to my stories that require suspension of disbelief, but you are only allowed just so much of that before suspension turns into “you’ve gotta be effing kidding me…”

You see, suspending it is one thing. Shooting it in the head, burying it in the back yard, and forgetting you ever saw it is completely different. It’s also not very nice.

More to come…

Murv

Have you ever noticed that when you go to your designated polling place to cast your vote, there are these blinders positioned on either side of the booth – be it punch card or electronic. Even the big honkin’ mechanical voting booths – which I am old enough to remember using, although some of you probably aren’t – had a curtain you pulled closed in order to hide what you were doing in there.

Why is that?

Well, it is because we are allowed privacy. The reality of the process is this – it is a “secret ballot.” That means it’s nobody else’s business for whom you cast your vote. Kinda cool, eh? You get to make up your own mind and not be taken to task for it. Democracy… Ain’t it grand?

So, here we are, right smack in the middle of another election year. The candidates are running willy-nilly about, screwing up, telling you what they think you want to hear, making promises they will never be able to keep – no matter how well intentioned – because the President is only one branch of the government and generally cannot make wholesale decisions without the approval of the house and senate.

So what? These candidates are human, they are going to make mistakes just like you and me, and telling you the bunch of well intentioned lies is the best way to influence you in order to get what they want. Besides, they probably even believe some of the dreck they are spouting. That’s all part of politics. We have to cope with it because it’s what we have, and while it certainly isn’t perfect, it’s close to, if not THE best game in town.

I won’t get started on some of the things I think our government is doing to undermine our freedoms – that’s another blog entirely. Probably several, in fact…

No, my running off at the mouth today is about “endorsements.” There is currently a celebrity endorsement bouncing all over Myspace… It even made the national news. Now, I happen to like said celeb. Not that I know him personally, or have even met him, because I don’t and I haven’t. But, I do like his movies, and I’m guessing he’d be a kick to sit down with and have a chat. So, this is NOT aimed at him… Actually, it is aimed more at the media…Why? Because his video endorsement made the national news…

I don’t get it.

Since when did starring in a few movies, thereby being in the public eye, make someone qualified to “endorse” a political candidate? Moreover, why the hell should the average joe on the street care one way of the other if an actor says “Vote for Wilson”?

Is it an, “I’m not a politician, but I play one on TV” sort of thing? I’m just curious… Why? Because I still don’t get it. Maybe I’m a big moron. Maybe I’m the one who should be talking to a volleyball. I dunno…

However, since this is apparently the trend, I certainly cannot pass up this promotional opportunity. Since I am at least somewhat in the public eye due to writing a mess of novels, I figure I need to get on the bandwagon too.

Therefore, it is time that I, as a minor league celeb, tell you for whom you should cast your vote, seeing as how you, the general public apparently have no ability to make up your own minds without the influence of people who have no better grasp of politics than you. Since I am, as I said, only a minor league celeb, I won’t go through the gyrations of making a video. I will simply do it via text.

So, here goes.

I want Geena Davis to be the next President of the United States. She played the part on TV already, so I’m betting she has a pretty good understanding of how the system works. Hell, if her series hadn’t been cancelled, she would probably have already accomplished getting us the hell out of Iraq, and gas would have been replaced by highly efficient and low cost, non-polluting fuel cells.

And, to take things a step further, I really think she should pick Martin Sheen as her running mate. He had a hell of a run in the White House, and given the incredible skills of his staff, I’m sure he can help Geena when it comes to picking her advisors.

There. Now I am going to sit here in my office and wait for a call from the Early Show.

I mean, since I am an official minor league celebrity and I have publicly announced my endorsement, I am certain Harry Smith and the crew will want to talk to me.

No offense to Harry, but I hope I get interviewed by Julie Chen. She seems like she would be a really nice person.

You know, come to think of it, maybe Geena should make her the Chief of Staff.

More to come…

Murv